Frustrated

Couldn't sleep tonight, lots of stuffs were running through my mind. Things I don't want to think about, things that will only make me cry, things that I shouldn't expect. Too many were running through my mine now, I felt so suffocated, and yet, there's nothing I can seek console and comfort from. And here I am, telling myself repeatedly not to cry, it just makes me look weak, and I hate it. I hate the fact that nowadays, I'm so week and fragile. Every word, every action, every thought, is enough to send me into fits of crying and mental breakdown. And there is no one to blame for that, but myself. I hate that I made myself so weak and fragile and lonely, when I used to be alone most of the time before this. I don't know since when I have become like this, not being able to go through without his company the whole day, cried when he never call or text me, go into a depression state when I don't know what he did or what is he doing, gets upset over every small matter. I really don't know when I became like this. I felt so broken now. I guess it's true when they say love brings you happiness and hurt, it comes together. I wished I could go back to being myself before, independent. It takes time, to go back to how I used to, when I'm so used to this, but it's what I have to do.

6/2/2013

The hardest thing I did today, was holding back the tears that has been there since the starting of our new semester. Holding back the tears, that was ever ready to drop, the tears that has since been there for a long time..The breakdown that you never saw before.

I felt so hurt, when you ignored me and continued playing with my handphone. I thought you knew, before we coupled, the thing I couldn't stand the most was me beside you, and you ignore me to play games. Yeah, I know you did not totally ignored me. You were talking to me while looking at the handphone screen. It hurts you know? You told me before, if you were playing games, and I'm sulking at you, I can just tell you. I don't know how many times I've told you I hate it when we are together and you took my phone and play games. If you wanted to play so much, then why ask me out and said you wanted to see me or talk to me at the first place? Seriously, I hate it. When I see you, or when we are together, all I want is just for the both of us to sit down and talk, looking at each other's eyes. How many times has it been, where I had to ask you to put away the phone?? I'm not trying to be sarcastic or scolding you, please, I'm asking you, I'm begging you to not play with my phone when we are together, Please, I'm begging you...It's hurting me a lot. I really don't know how to tell you face to face, i don't want to end up with me losing my temper because of such small matters, and killing our relationship or worse, ending it. It's not worth it, to throw away all that we had just because of this. I know I'm being really childish now, I can't help it. I'm sorry. I was quite the whole two hour, my arms were crossed, I was hurt inside, but I didn't know how to open my mouth and tell you. I really hope you can understand. I can't take it you know, the fact that we are spending lesser and lesser time together makes me appreciate and wanting to enjoy every hour, every minute, every second that I spent with you. I hope you feel the same way too....

4/2/2013

10.19pm.

Just came back from having dinner with him awhile ago, and now I'm sitting in front of my laptop and looking at Chemistry II notes. Well, considering how much I got for last semester, I've got lots and lots of reading and revisions to do this semester. I can't possibly let him beat me again in this semester's finals,right?? (But, I got to say he is damn, freaking smart!! Seriously, do not underestimate him...) =P

Tried reading the notes, with music in the background, a beautiful and cool night, with a cup of coffee. I have to say, this sounds perfect, doesn't it? But, I guess, in every perfect moment, there is bound to be something that ruin it. And well, I hate to admit this, (and I probably think that anyone reading this would be thinking that I'm a girl that is plain obsessed with her boyfriend) but I feel lonely without him. I don't know why, there are too many reasons that I don't know which is the one that cause me to be like this. There are so many things running in my mind now, I couldn't even process it. Sigh...

Maybe it was the fact that we no longer used to hang out every night like we used to, before this. Sometimes, I just kinda missed those days where we'll meet every night, same place, same time, and there is no need for us to ask each other :"Hey, are you free at 8.30pm??" or "Let's meet at xxx at 8.30pm". I missed those days..those days where we know that at that certain time, we'll meet at the same place, sitting at the same spot, every single day, every single night. Because we know that time is meant for us only, and nothing is ever gonna get in the way of us meeting up.

But now, I'm just kind of almost repeating the same cycle everyday: wake up, lectures, walk back room, stare at the laptop for hours while waiting for you to text me and ask me out for dinner. It gets real lonely after awhile, sometimes, I just feel like we lost those sweet moments of ours. Sigh, guess nothing is perfect??

Well, life goes on, I've got to stop focus on what's happening. Not to say that I'm going to forget how we used to be, but rather, focus on what we are having now. Not to mention learning to be strong and independent when I'm alone and you are busy, so that you need not worry about me always, cause you know I'll be doing fine and okay.

Who knows, maybe next semester we are going to go back to how we used to be in the first semester?? =D

RX2

Hehehehhee...
Bby, Hansel & Gretel awesome right?? Hihi, who choose the movie?? ^_^#
It was nice watching movies with you dear, we cuddle cuddle and watch together. Then we shared the jacket, nice Bby, I toasty warm, not feeling cold at all. ^_^#
Bby, we go cinema watch movies again want?? Hehehehehhehee...now got lots of movies, we go watch all!! But I don't want scary and horror ones.. >_<
Then after movies we go shopping!! I drag you with me!! I want i want!! Hahahhakk...I drag you into every store, Padini, Esprit, F.O.S., Cotton On...Hehehehhee..
Hmmm..what other dates can we go for?? Movie date we do that usually..Cycling?? Walking at lake there?? I know i know!! We go on a eating date!!  Then whole day we go eat only!! You feed munchie kutty!! Hehehehe...Hulala!! I want this date!! We KIV for next anniversary!! Hmm..what else?? *Think think...* Don't know Bby, you give some ideas, we do that for our next date. Yeah! ^_^#

Love you Bby, I'm so happy zappy yesterday. Some more, you called me and asked me to go on a date with you. Should have seen my expression Bby, I was in Cloud 9... Love you Bby!!